we all make our choices
by AtLoLevad
Summary: Jane meets Kurt and Allie's son for the first time.


Jane is the fourth person to hold him - after Kurt and Allie and Allie's mom and sister - and she doesn't miss the significance of the order.

His proud daddy places the sleeping bundle in her arms carefully, so carefully. Jane can't quite catch Kurt's eye as he hands over the baby with a soft, "watch his neck," so instead she focuses on the tiny, perfect face.

He yawns a little, pink little lips moving and nose wrinkling. Jane smiles, eyes a little watery. "He's..." her voice cracks, "he's perfect, Allie, Kurt."

Allie grins tiredly at Jane. She's cleaned up from yesterday, but her face is still a little drawn from pain and exhaustion. Jane can't deny that Allie has a happy glow about her face, the "new mom glow" that Tasha and Patterson had been talking about.

"Thanks, Jane," Allie says, smirking a little. "Just as stubborn as his dad, too. The little guy took his sweet time getting here."

Kurt agrees, "Allie was amazing."

"I can't even imagine," Jane says, still looking down at the baby's features. She sees Allie's nose and Kurt's chin. "Giving birth is one of the scariest things I can think of doing."

"Says the woman who gets shot far too often for my liking," Kurt grumbles good-naturedly. He offers her a small smile and she returns it easily. Their relationship is much better nowadays. Sometime around Christmas a shift occurred and Jane felt like they could maybe be the old Jane and Kurt again.

It was easier to breathe around him now.

"What's his name?" Jane asks softly, one hand stroking the baby's back gently. She can't seem to pull her gaze from the tiny face. Can't or won't, she's not sure at this point.

She misses the silent communication between Allie and Kurt, the one where it's decided that Kurt should tell Jane the baby's name.

Kurt smiles, "Lucas Ryan. Luke for short."

"Luke," Jane tries out the name and it fits. Perfectly.

She wonders briefly about the baby's last name, but it's not her place to ask. Instead she raises her gaze to look at Kurt and Allie and grins widely at them.

"It's perfect, you guys. He's perfect," she says, unconsciously cuddling the baby closer. "I'm so happy for both of you."

"Thanks, Jane," Allie says easily, resting her head back against the pillow and closing her eyes briefly.

"Oh!" Jane gasps a little, "I should go. You're tired. Kurt?" She trails off a little as she says his name, the unasked question hanging in the air.

Kurt nods and steps forward to easily take his son back from Jane. Luke lets out a little squawk at the sudden change of location and all three adults let out laughter at the disgruntled look on his face.

Even as Kurt collects the baby, Allie protests that she's not tired and that Jane doesn't have to go. Jane laughs when Allie's argument is interrupted by a yawn.

"It's sweet of you to say, Allie, but I should get going. You really do need some sleep," Jane says.

Allie doesn't argue this time; she lets out a soft snore instead. Kurt shakes his head, a fond smile on his face. "She was ridiculous yesterday, just amazing. I'm glad she's getting some sleep. She wasn't kidding when she said he took his time getting here. 72 hours in labor and then an emergency C-section."

Kurt shakes his head, a little disbelievingly. He looks so good with the baby in his arms, so natural, so comfortable. Jane feels a jealous pit form in her stomach. She needs to go.

She pulls on her jacket and hesitates at the door for a minute. Jane bites her lip and reaches back to brush a finger over Luke's soft, little arm.

"He really is amazing, Kurt. I know you'll be a great dad," she smiles softly, a little sadly and heads out into the hallway.

There are tears in her eyes as she walks; happy tears, sad tears, angry tears. Jane feels as hormonal as if she had been the one to just have a baby. She's happy for Allie and Kurt, so happy, but there's a small part of her that wishes it had never happened. That Sandstorm wasn't a factor in their lives, that she could have continued on being Taylor Shaw, that Kurt's first child could have been her first child.

And then Jane feels like the absolute worst person in the world, because this is about Kurt and Allie and baby Luke. Not about her own feelings. This is the reality that Jane lives in and there's nothing she can do about it.

"Jane!" Kurt's voice breaks through her thoughts and she spins on her heel to face him.

"Kurt?" Her heart sinks; she hopes everything is okay with Allie and the baby. "Is everything okay?"

He comes to a stop in front of her, head tilted in confusion, "Yeah, fine. Everything's fine. I just…"

He pauses and Jane can see that he's struggling to find the right words. She bites her lip and lets him think.

"I…" he huffs, "I know this can't be easy for you." It's the first time he's acknowledged her feelings for him in a long time. Jane feels her cheeks heat up.

"It's not…it's not easy for me either," Kurt admits. His hands are shoved deep in the pockets of his jeans. "I didn't…this isn't how I imagined becoming a father for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I love Allie, but not like that, and I'd never trade Luke for anything. I just…"

He trails off again, and this time Jane interrupts him, "I know, Kurt. You don't have to explain yourself to me."

Kurt sighs, "Jane, this doesn't change anything between us."

Oh, how wrong he is, Jane can't help but think. He has a son now, with a different woman. With Allie, who is smart and fierce and funny and beautiful. It's only natural that as they raise their son together, Kurt and Allie will fall back into a relationship.

And Jane will pretend to be okay with that. After all, she's made her choices.

* * *

 _A/N: I started this after episode 3, but law school literally sucks up all of my energy and i don't ever feel like writing any more. This is probably awful, but I'd appreciate your feedback._

 _Obviously this is going to be AU once this season plays out, but I wanted to write something angsty and bittersweet because that's my default mood nowadays and all i can seem to write._

 _Let me know what you think!_


End file.
